


It's All Nuts

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Civil War Team Iron Man, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Happy Ending, Team Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 14:12:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16042097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: Tony decides to improve Spiderman's image by advertising for heroes in the Daily Bugle. Squirrel Girl applies.





	It's All Nuts

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

Among the laundry list of his character defects, Tony admitted to an occasional indulgence of pettiness. He did pride himself on never using it against the defenseless.

Asshats, however, were fair game. The Daily Bugle constantly harassed Spiderman, and although Tony had offered to sue for libel, and S.I.'s legal wolf pack had been intrigued, Peter didn't want him to do it.

Tony agreed, reluctantly, but after reading yet another diatribe blaming Spiderman for, of all things, congestion on the street as people stopped their cars in order to watch him web past, he wrote a letter (well, email, same difference) to the editor in protest.

It wasn't printed. Instead he got a boilerplate reply thanking Tony for his support of the Bugle and alerting him to an upcoming series on 'Spiderman, Public Menace'. Tony fumed. "What the hell kind of balanced reporting is this, anyway?" Tony grumbled while in his workshop trying to figure out how to incorporate an anti-magic fiber into Peter's Spidey suit. It would have been easier if Strange would have let him snip JUST a few threads from his cloak, but noooo...

"The newspaper isn't obligated to print letters to the editor," Friday said. "It's not as if you were paying to place an ad."

Tony blinked. Then he smiled. "Fry, get me the head of S.I.'s advertising team."

 

Apparently you couldn't just say whatever you pleased and call it an ad, no matter how much you paid. That was ok, because Tony realized he needed to recruit more heroes. After the events of the last few years it was apparent Tony needed to start fresh, with people who had no history to hold against him. Peter hero-worshipped him, which was a little embarrassing, but he could work with that.

The ad was a double page full color spread, with scannable links to further information on applying to join Earth's Mightiest Heroes. The name needed work, but at least it was global. Spiderman was the mascot. He was plastered all over the ad being heroic, rescuing people from fires, webbing up a collapsing bridge, retrieving fallen ducklings from a storm sewer drain, and so on. The best picture Tony thought, was one of Spiderman clinging to Iron Man in flight by a webbing line.

He was fairly sure the message, 'Iron Man supports Spiderman', got through.

 

H.R., led by Maria Hill, checked out the applicants first, no doubt complaining about all the extra work, but hey, overtime! Bonuses! So the complaints never reached him. After a few weeks, a trickle of people who actually had useful skills were sent to Pepper for further vetting. Pepper _did_ complain to Tony, but then she snaffled one of them who turned out to have superhuman office skills. Pepper agreed to continue, but with the proviso that Tony had to assess the ones who got by her. Tony had been hoping he could foist that off on Rhodey, who was going to be in charge of training, anyway, but Rhodey had commented that if they couldn't handle an interview with Tony, they weren't tough enough.

 

So Tony put down his tools when Friday announced he had a candidate to vet, but didn't bother leaving the workshop. Anyone who couldn't take DUM-E and U failed immediately. "Let 'em in, Fry," he called. 

The elevator doors slid open and in bounced...really, that's the only way to describe it... a young woman wearing a headband with rodent ears on it. The ears twitched. Maybe it wasn't a headband. He only noticed the ears in passing, because there was a large, incredibly fluffy tail sticking up behind her. He noted that the fur color matched her hair, and the ears. After that he noticed that on either shoulder a squirrel was riding.

She smiled at Tony. She had buck teeth.

Tony blinked. "You're my four o'clock?" 

"Yep!" the girl replied cheerfully. "Doreen Green, I'm Squirrel Girl!"

Tony blinked again. "And Pepper approved you?"

"Yes! She's amazing." Doreen walked into the workshop and waved at DUM-E, who was tilting his head, examining her. "Oh! Isn't he cute! Monkey Joe, Tippy-Toe, go play nice with Mr. Stark's friend." The squirrels immediately ran over to DUM-E and climbed up him, chittering and flicking their tails. DUM-E seemed pleased by the attention.

"Ah. So...you want to join Earth's Mightiest Heroes?" Tony asked. He'd promised Pepper, so he was going to take this joke seriously.

"Yes! I used to have a team, but they expected me to do all the work and after a while I figured I was holding them back- you know, they felt embarrassed because I'm so much more powerful so they didn't try. The Great Lakes Avengers? Ever hear of them?"

"No, sorry," Tony said.

Doreen shrugged. "I'm not surprised. We kept changing the name. Someone said we were infringing on your copyright, so we called ourselves the Great Lakes X-Men."

"So, you're a mutant. Have you tried joining Xavier's X-men? It might be a better fit," he said, trying to be diplomatic.

"No, I don't have the X-gene. I'm not sure what it is, but my doctor said I'm not a mutant, I just had my genes modified by an unknown cause." 

Tony thought that was the definition of a mutant, but the squishy sciences weren't really his main focus.

Doreen shrugged again. "SHIELD offered me a place, but I didn't want to leave my team in the lurch. Then Flatman won a poker tournament so we renamed the team the Great Lakes Champions... want a nut?" she asked, producing a bag from the utility belt she was wearing.

"Sure," Tony said, bemused. He accepted a handful of mixed nuts and was munching on a Brazil nut, waiting for her to continue. He was beginning to see why Pepper had sent Doreen to him. If nothing else, the girl was a wonderful distraction.

"Well, Hercules was a former Champion of Los Angeles member, and he didn't like us taking the name, so after a while we changed it to the Great Lakes Initiative."

Tony nodded and continued eating nuts. After a moment, he opened a bag of his own. "Blueberry?"

"Yes, thanks!" Doreen took a handful of blueberries and nibbled on them, managing to talk around them even though her cheeks bulged. "And then after we changed the name back to Great Lakes Avengers, I decided it would be best for me to strike out on my own. It's not as if they appreciated me." She stuck out her lips and pouted for a moment.

"Yes, I can understand that," Tony said, while wondering what the heck the rest of the team was like, if someone with a fuzzy tail and two pet squirrels was the strongest member of the team. "So, what are your skills?"

"I'm a great babysitter! Luke Cage and Danielle Jones have the CUTEST baby ever! You should ask them to join the EMH!"

"Yes... well... at the moment, we don't have any babies." Tony felt a bit wistful about that. He was going to have to ask Pepper her views on babies. He did love tiny humans, and wanted some of his own.

"Also I can make squirrel noises!" She chittered for a moment.

Tony winced. "That's... not something I can see much use for either."

"That's not all!" Doreen said. "Watch!" She did a standing broad jump leap right over Tony's head, twenty feet if it was an inch, and landed hanging upside down by her tail from one of the old suit assemblers. She flexed her hands and sharp claws appeared at the ends of her fingers, and knuckle spikes emerged from the back of her hands. "I can fight bare hands, too!" she said cheerfully. "I beat up Wolverine! It was a fair fight! I have squirrel-agility and can see in the dark!"

"Um," Tony said. He was beginning to think she might work out. True, that much enthusiasm can be tiring, but he could pair her up with Peter and let them wear each other out. "The thing is... you're young and... this... what I've seen coming, it's very dangerous. I don't know if I can..."

Doreen flipped off the assembler and came back to Tony. "Is it worse than Thanos?" she asked.

"Who's Thanos?"

"Big purple guy, he has a bunch of minions he calls Chitauri." She wrinkled her nose. "They're not cute, like squirrels."

"What?" Tony said, astonished.

"Yep. You know, the Chitauri who made a mess of the Big Apple? The squirrels complained for weeks about all the nasty bits they left all over Central Park."

"You KNOW who's behind the coming threat?"

"Well, if it's Thanos, that's not really a problem." Doreen shrugged. "I already took care of him once. Wait..." Doreen dug into her utility belt and produced a series of small photos, about the size of trading cards. "See?" she said, singling out a card and handing it to Tony. In it, she was wearing a space helmet, and standing on the back of a giant purple humanoid, twisting his arm behind his back, while a space suited squirrel posed on the being's head. She looked at Tony hopefully. "So, do I get the job?"

Tony swallowed hard. "Welcome to Earth's Mightiest Heroes, Squirrel Girl."

Doreen grinned in all her gap-toothed glory at Tony. "Great! There's just one thing..." She looked up at Tony, all wide-eyed and hopeful.

"Yes?" Tony said, braced for an outrageous demand, but prepared to give in.

"Can you help me with my computer science homework?"

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this is pretty much canon. The only thing is, I don't think they ever *showed* her fight with Thanos, but they *said* she'd won.
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squirrel_Girl
> 
>  
> 
> Still have not seen anything past Doctor Strange, so I'm just winging it while eating dried papaya. Noms that makes my belly feel better. Here, Tony have some papaya.


End file.
